Don't get me wrong - I'm as accomplished a coffee drinker as anyone. But for the last several months, I've been trying to wean myself off of the stuff, the idea being that the less I consume, the greater the impact it will have when I do drink it.
Today I had my first 5 Hour Energy. I chose Pomegranate. What could go wrong?
4:06 p.m. Examining the bottle of 5 Hour Energy. Trying to decide if I really want to do this. Claims to be like coffee, but quicker. Comes with a warning label. Coffee doesn't come with a warning label, except when it's hot.
4:07 p.m. Reading about Niacin flush, a "natural warming sensation" that occurs when your body processes necessary minerals of which it was previously deficient. That's the 5 Hour Energy way of trying to convince you that the way you're about to feel is healthy.
4:08 p.m. What could go wrong? I love pomegranates.
4:09 p.m. Oh, gross.
4:13 p.m. Head upstairs feeling normal. Time to get to work and pound out some projects.
4:16 p.m. Notice a delightful jump in my typing WPM. That's if you count "pnusctuality" as a word. Unclear if this is due to 5 Hour Energy.
4:19 p.m. Niacin flush.
4:21 p.m. Toilet flush.
4:36 p.m. Working on a parent letter. You know how sometimes when you say a word too many times, it starts to sound funny? Every word is that word right now.
4:45 p.m. I literally cannot stop thinking about bridges - how they're made, who designs them. How do we really know they're safe? I can't focus on this letter right now. All I can think about is bridges.
4:47 p.m. Reading about bridges on Wikipedia.
4:50 p.m. Force myself to focus on the parent letter. Just spelled the word "contact" with a semicolon. And an umlaut.
4:57 p.m. Looking for Rick Keller's phone number. He's a structural engineer and I've got a lot of questions about bridges.
5:00 p.m. Saved from a very awkward conversation by the fact that I don't actually have his phone number.
5:10 p.m. Go downstairs to help with dinner. Hold the baby. Bounce the baby. I am not intentionally bouncing the baby.
5:15 p.m. I am literally yelling at a pot of green beans for what I suspect to be blatant malfeasance.
5:28 p.m. Drink a glass of water as an attempt to flush the 5 Hour Energy from my system.
5:29 p.m. I feel like I drank that glass of water awfully fast.
5:30 p.m. My shirt is soaking wet and there are ice cubes on the floor. Can't figure out why.
5:45 p.m. Eating dinner. Trying to hold it together.
6:00 p.m. Offer to clean up after dinner. Ask Lindsay to "time me." She declines.
6:02 p.m. Done. Wish she would have timed me.
6:05 p.m. Back to work. So excited AND so scared.
6:12 p.m. Just realized I'm not wearing a shirt. Not sure how long this has been.
6:44 p.m. Drooling. Thanks 5 Hour Energy.
7:00 p.m. 25 emails in 2 minutes. All to the same guy.
7:16 p.m. Less concerned about bridges than I am about asteroids all of a sudden.
7:40 p.m. Watching the 5 Hour Energy commercials online. That guy seems so happy at the office, but trust me, he's using every ounce of his willpower not to go outside, strangle a bunny, and eat it raw.
7:55 p.m. Well, this is the third time I've gone to the bathroom "just to be sure." And for what it's worth, I'm 0-for-3.
8:02 p.m. I'm Batman.
8:17 p.m. Parent letter finished nearly four hours after it started. Thanks 5 Hour Energy.
8:34 p.m. I wrote down "Great idea for sitcom." Post 5 Hour Energy, I have no idea what it was.
8:39 p.m. When did I take my pants off? I may have eaten dinner in my underwear.
8:45 p.m. What is the stuff made of? Chihuahua concentrate?
9:00 p.m. Is five hours over yet?
9:14 p.m. Struck by inexplicable urge to blog again.
9:16 p.m. Really just excited by all of the labels I get to use again.
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