More Fun With Google Analytics

In the 15 months that the drawing board has been around, about 900 different people have come here from search engines using 300 different search terms. Turns out there's a bunch of roads that lead here.* Here are the most popular ones.**

* Highway to Helman?  Anyone?

** Jeff Lynne was the lead singer for ELO and also a member of the Travelling Wilburys. This will be important later.

1. Aaron Helman

Something like 250 people have Googled my name. It'd be an honor if it wasn't so creepy.

3. Gladiator Names

Another 90 people wound up here because they were looking for information about American Gladiators. This is the most traffic-inducing post I've ever written. Yikes.

5. Ferret in a Sweater

Just so I can show a picture.

10. Bono d-bag

Turns out there are a lot who don't love U2. All of this because of a comment Tony left here last December.

32. Aaron Helman needs to die

I've been ignoring this one since last November...

37. I love Aaron Helman

...and focusing on this one instead.

61. Beautiful Church Sign

Someone searched for that and Google mislead them. Horribly.

78. Are dogs fast?

Yes they are.

112. Can the Cubs actually kill me prematurely?

113. Why do the Cubs do this to me every freaking year?

114. This all Jeff Lynne's fault.

These are all right in a row. I like to imagine they're related.

151. Drew Carey sucks

Affirmative.

188. Aaron ate pancakes

Yes. Yes I did.

210. Someone stop Wisconsin from hiring snipers

I'm not sure I'm the man for the job.

270. now, i'm going to do something i like to call the 'compliment sandwhich" where i say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good

Why?

300. Remember when Mr. Gamble flipped out?

Yes. Yes I do.

Zion, Illinois

Last summer, I rode a bicycle from Chicago, IL to Devil's Lake, ND. Since I've never written about the adventure, and since it was a long December as far as temperatures went, I thought January might be a good time to talk about summer 2008. January is Bike Month at the Drawing Board.

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The whole thing started in a town called Zion, Illinois. We rode in a van out of Lafayette, past acres of wind farms, picked up a vagabond* outside of a Crate & Barrel in Chicago, and an hour later, we were at a small church in a place caleld Zion.

* Not really. It was Paul.

Zion was one of those Christian-planned communities. The streets were all named after Biblical figures, and our trek included rides down Samuel, Ezekiel, and Isaiah streets. The signs on the outskirts of town pointed toward Chicago and Milwaukee, but read, "SODOM and GOMORRAH."*

* Of course that's not true. The place wasn't that uptight. They had liquor stores and everything.

A decade ago, the town was a hub of industry, incorporating a state of the art nuclear energy plant that brought prosperity, money, and most importantly jobs. At some point, nuclear energy got itself a bad name, the place shut down, and took hundreds of jobs with it. Zion, Illinois was far more like the Zion of The Matrix than the Zion of the Bible.

The town itself wasn't even distantly reminiscent of the pearly gates legends have come to suggest. Still, for that night it was home. We ate too much pizza*, slept on the floor, and woke early to help the church make 5000 paper fans for distribution at Zion's next parade. The arthritis of that morning** would affect me far longer than the miles on my legs.

* Too much pizza is one of my new favorite dishes.

** Again, not true. And like so many of my stories, the moral is this - they're only good stories when I make up the endings.

We rode out that morning and said goodbye to that town as so many already had.  We found Lake Michigan, took some couple pictures, and soon, we were free of Illinois altogether. I'd never been to Wisconsin before.

There's No Subject That Could Possibly Serve This

I've been in ministry for more than six years now, and after six years, it's tempting to think that, perhaps, I've seen it all. It's tempting to think that I've seen the absolute best and worst the church has to offer. Let's say that that's half-true. Your job is to figure out which half. Sonseed here is like the Partridge Family without the rough edges:



This melodious cacophony features a too-many-singers-background-section and the kind of lyrics you would expect from - well I don't even know how to end that sentence.  Try on this section:

Once I tried to run

I tried to run and hide

But Jesus came and found me

And he touched me down inside

Please be aware that it gets worse.  Way worse:

He is like a mountie*

He always gets his man

And he'll zap** you any way he can

zap

* Really, a mountie?  I'm supposed to believe that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, the Light, the Lion and the Lamb, and that he is also - coincidentally - traditional, horse-mounted Canadian law enforcement?

** This is not sound theology.

Lastly, I'd like to state that I am 80% sure that that's Kip on lead guitar.

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Updated: I added the "Bad Church Sign" label because I am certain that this church has a real doozy in the front lawn.  I guarantee it.

I Stole This Church Sign From Someone Else

I'm aware that when I post once a week, it looks a little lazy. I am also aware that when these posts are merely stolen from other blogs, it looks lazier. All the same:

Do I need to RSVP? Because I will be there.

The Church Sign that Made Me Cry

I drove up to South Bend this weekend to celebrate my parents' 25th Wedding Anniversary. (Kudos, both of you.) While on some piddling road between Lafayette and Rochester, I was almost knocked off the road by this travesty.


Yes, it's a mixed metaphor. Yes, it's the kind of rhetoric that an unchurched person wouldn't take the time to understand. But most of all, this is absolutely the worst kind of wrong.

Thinking I had certainly misread the sign, I pulled off and circled back. Yeah, this is what it said. I didn't actually cry; but it was plenty to make me upset. This theology is just heart-breaking.

I did something I've never done before.

I left a note.

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Updated: The note was hastily and poorly written. I wrote, "This theology is just heart-breaking." Unfortunately, I didn't allude to the sign at all, so I'm sure they have no idea what I'm talking about. I will refrain from adding the "I am an idiot" label.

This Could Be the Best Yet

I stole this one from a fellow blogger over at Crummy Church Signs. I'm not even going to bother with my own comments. This speaks for itself:

That Is Not Going to Work

Yeah, just pretend like you're doing something. That'll totally fool him. I mean, how would he know? It's not like he's God or anything.

And all of my Confirmands just said... "Omniscience."

I'll Give You an F for Effort

I am aware that the word resurrection is a tremendously difficult word to spell. It's quite a long word. And if there are resurrections and insurrections, why don't we ever hear of plain surrections? That's a word that must exist even though spell-check thinks otherwise.

And so, since it's a tough word, I usually try not to get upset with people when they misspell it. But that rule goes right out the window when it's on a church sign. On the side of the road, for the world to see, I saw the following spellings of the word:

• RESURECTION
• RESSURECTION
• RE-SSURRECTION (not even close)
  

Sigh.

I Am Without Words

The only problem with riding a bicycle is that sometimes you have to see dumb things. And since bikes aren't as fast as cars, you have to see dumb things longer.

The apostle Paul spent a good chunk of time writing about the sinful nature of men. In Romans 7:18, he writes, "I have the desire to do good, but I cannot carry it out." Or from a paraphrase: "I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway."

The idea here is that since we are fallen humans, we're going to screw up even when we try our hardest not to. I have to imagine that's what this church was going for when they put up this sign:

But here's the thing - they put this sign at the main entrance to their church. A visitor will literally read this sign as they pull into the parking lot getting ready to go to the church. As they decide to walk in for a Sunday morning service, "You're probably about to make another mistake."

Football + Church Sign = Disaster

The only thing you need to know about this sign is that I saw it in Indianapolis, just west of downtown.


They say that every church serves a particular niche. This church's niche? Patriots fans in Indianapolis. Let me know how that's going.

Church Sign MADNESS

The way I see it, there are a couple different levels of church sign craziness. You've got your poor analogy for real faith. Then there's the level of just bad theology. Then, there are the signs that threaten or insult different beliefs. Somewhere, about 40 miles beyond this entire spectrum, there's this:


Are they trying to make their church sound mysterious? A, Come Inside for the Answer kind of thing? Possibly. Or more likely, are they quoting the eminently bad song "Epic" by the forgotten band "Faith No More"? And why, oh why, would they do that?

The band is actually called Faith No More. And here is a link to the music video. It's beyond tragic, but worth it just for the dude's shirt.

Jesus Plays... Hockey?

Same church as always. I literally win a blog post every time I visit Tony in Beech Grove. I can see a couple of things wrong with this one:

1. Theologically, why would Jesus pass to Moses? Shouldn't it be the other way around?
2. It's just confusing.
3. What?
   

More Church Sign Craziness

I ran into this on the south side of Indianapolis over the weekend. It made me shudder in a very literal way:


An interesting conviction to be sure. If Jesus didn't, then we won't. Here's an incomplete list of other things that ought to fall under that description:

• The English Language
• A Piano
• Hymns
• The New Testament
• A church sign

Sigh . . .

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Now playing: Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule the World

Another Church Sign

I ran across this doozy as I was driving down to Beech Grove this weekend to see a friend's new apartment. It actually made me cringe. I very nearly pulled over to correct the (well-intentioned) people:

Most of the time, I have problems with signs that seem a little too corny, or try too hard at a bad metaphor. Now I have a very different objection. God never intended to be an insurance policy. God never intended to be our last resort. God never wanted to be the thing we decide to try when we've tried every conceivable thing out there. But you wouldn't know it from this.

Bummer.

Another Church Sign

I saw another beautiful church sign this morning on the way to work. This isn't an actual photograph of the church sign. I just put the saying through the church sign generator:

I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Person 1: Let's communicate to people about heaven-or-hell.
Person 2: Better idea. We need some way to make Hell cute.
Person 1: How about "Have a fire escape plan. Trust God."
Person 2: Better idea. Let's compare eternity to a diner.
Person 1: I like hamburgers.
Person 2: Better idea. Cheeseburgers.

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Now playing: Julie Feeney - Autopilot

Church Marketing 2

I feel the same way about attaching business lingo to ministry. Yes it feels awkward to talk about putting together a marketing strategy to expand the kingdom of God. No, Jesus doesn't need an ad agency to make him important.

If marketing really consists of many of the things we already do, and strategy just means thinking about a thing, then a marketing strategy is really just "thinking about many of the things we already do." Put that way, it's not such a bad idea. But sometimes organizations just don't do it.

Take this church sign. I should point out that some very good-hearted, well-intentioned person dreamed up this sign, probably as a way to appeal to people in my generation.

Trouble is, this sign does the opposite. Ignore for a moment that the word "donwload" is spelled wrong and that the phrase "get-on-line" is strangely hyphenated. I don't have to explain too much why a 20-something like myself wouldn't feel more inclined to enter this building after reading this sign.

Take-Away 2
When you're trying to reach a 24-year-old, ask a 24-year-old. If at any point the sign committee had consulted a member of their target audience, someone would have had the audacity to say, "No, that's not appealing." The quote here was not the bad idea - the bad idea was the assumption that they knew the audience better than the audience knew itself.

This principle fits for youth, parents, men, women, and senior citizens. Never assume you know your target audience. Ask.