The 5 Hour Energy LiveBlog

Don't get me wrong - I'm as accomplished a coffee drinker as anyone. But for the last several months, I've been trying to wean myself off of the stuff, the idea being that the less I consume, the greater the impact it will have when I do drink it.

Today I had my first 5 Hour Energy. I chose Pomegranate. What could go wrong?

4:06 p.m. Examining the bottle of 5 Hour Energy. Trying to decide if I really want to do this. Claims to be like coffee, but quicker. Comes with a warning label. Coffee doesn't come with a warning label, except when it's hot.

4:07 p.m. Reading about Niacin flush, a "natural warming sensation" that occurs when your body processes necessary minerals of which it was previously deficient. That's the 5 Hour Energy way of trying to convince you that the way you're about to feel is healthy.

4:08 p.m. What could go wrong? I love pomegranates.

4:09 p.m. Oh, gross.

4:13 p.m. Head upstairs feeling normal. Time to get to work and pound out some projects.

4:16 p.m. Notice a delightful jump in my typing WPM. That's if you count "pnusctuality" as a word. Unclear if this is due to 5 Hour Energy.

4:19 p.m. Niacin flush.

4:21 p.m. Toilet flush.

4:36 p.m. Working on a parent letter. You know how sometimes when you say a word too many times, it starts to sound funny? Every word is that word right now.

4:45 p.m. I literally cannot stop thinking about bridges - how they're made, who designs them. How do we really know they're safe? I can't focus on this letter right now. All I can think about is bridges.

4:47 p.m. Reading about bridges on Wikipedia.

4:50 p.m. Force myself to focus on the parent letter. Just spelled the word "contact" with a semicolon. And an umlaut.

4:57 p.m. Looking for Rick Keller's phone number. He's a structural engineer and I've got a lot of questions about bridges.

5:00 p.m. Saved from a very awkward conversation by the fact that I don't actually have his phone number.

5:10 p.m. Go downstairs to help with dinner. Hold the baby. Bounce the baby. I am not intentionally bouncing the baby.

5:15 p.m. I am literally yelling at a pot of green beans for what I suspect to be blatant malfeasance.

5:28 p.m. Drink a glass of water as an attempt to flush the 5 Hour Energy from my system.

5:29 p.m. I feel like I drank that glass of water awfully fast.

5:30 p.m. My shirt is soaking wet and there are ice cubes on the floor. Can't figure out why.

5:45 p.m. Eating dinner. Trying to hold it together.

6:00 p.m. Offer to clean up after dinner. Ask Lindsay to "time me." She declines.

6:02 p.m. Done. Wish she would have timed me.

6:05 p.m. Back to work. So excited AND so scared.

6:12 p.m. Just realized I'm not wearing a shirt. Not sure how long this has been.

6:44 p.m. Drooling. Thanks 5 Hour Energy.

7:00 p.m. 25 emails in 2 minutes. All to the same guy.

7:16 p.m. Less concerned about bridges than I am about asteroids all of a sudden.

7:40 p.m. Watching the 5 Hour Energy commercials online. That guy seems so happy at the office, but trust me, he's using every ounce of his willpower not to go outside, strangle a bunny, and eat it raw.

7:55 p.m. Well, this is the third time I've gone to the bathroom "just to be sure." And for what it's worth, I'm 0-for-3.

8:02 p.m. I'm Batman.

8:17 p.m. Parent letter finished nearly four hours after it started. Thanks 5 Hour Energy.

8:34 p.m. I wrote down "Great idea for sitcom." Post 5 Hour Energy, I have no idea what it was.

8:39 p.m. When did I take my pants off? I may have eaten dinner in my underwear.

8:45 p.m. What is the stuff made of? Chihuahua concentrate?

9:00 p.m. Is five hours over yet?

9:14 p.m. Struck by inexplicable urge to blog again.

9:16 p.m. Really just excited by all of the labels I get to use again.

I Am Utterly Disillusioned

The Secret Service came to Calvary last night.

They were doing some sort of advance scouting for the Clinton campaign and were considering using our space to host some sort of event with former first daughter Chelsea Clinton. So they dropped by to check us out.

I've seen movies. I'm sure you have too. So, you can imagine my shock when the Secret Service agent turned out to be a regular dude. He was about my height, a little thicker, but not by too much. He was from Texas and spoke with a bit of a drawl. He was a Methodist and talked openly about his grandma's church back home. Also, while I wasn't looking, I'm pretty sure he surreptitiously wiretapped my phone.

I had always assumed that a Secret Service agent was about 6'7, 280, and mean as hell. Also, they never talk to anyone, ever. I'm sure that this is an exaggerated stereotype. But here's the thing: This guy was less intimidating than Sam Simms; Sinbad's character in First Kid.

So why am I so disillusioned this morning?

It's because IMDB tells me that First Kid was nominated for an award. Yikes.

Northern Blogging

A few highlights from Christmas Eve at Calvary:

• Lighting bags of dirt on fire to celebrate the birth of Jesus.
• Music at 7:00 and 8:30.
• Learning that "What Child Is This" has multiple choruses, but that these aren't printed in the hymnal. They are therefore not on the visual slides that I run.
• Jumping jacks in Todd's office to keep the blood flowing.
• Visiting Starbucks at 1:00 am Christmas morning.
• Getting really excited about Christmas.

High School Retreat

It's been a little while since I posted. This past weekend was our High School stay-at-home retreat, and I've been busy planning and delivering. A couple highlights from the past few days:

• Playing hide-and-seek in the Circle Center mall. When a 15-year-old girl sees you, screams, then dashes away; and you follow, and you are a 24-year-old man; well, then you've got some explaining to do to mall security. Actually, that never happened. But it probably should have, and that diminishes my opinions about mall security.
• Spending more than $20 at Starbucks on Friday entirely on beverages for myself.
• Receiving a free coffee at Starbucks on Saturday because I "look like hell." Barista's words, not mine.
• Touching an elephant. Petting a shark. Watching a monkey poop.
• Falling asleep at a chair at a Starbucks. Having a team of baristas waking me up.
• Watching students get excited - really excited - about living better lives.
• Working 40 hours in three days, but being glad for it at the end.
  

It's Gone Too Far

While I was driving home from work last night at about 9:00, I did a little bit of station surfing with my car radio. As I ran across 93.1, I caught the tail end of "Jingle Bell Rock." Thinking this was a strange song choice for early October, I stuck around long enough for the Man with the Announcer Voice to fill me in about 93.1's 93 Days of Christmas. They'll literally be doing nothing but Christmas songs from now until Christmas. And then this happened:

"City sidewalks, busy side walks,
In the air there's a feeling of Christmas."

It's 85 degrees here right now.